Joker's Missing Hat
by MoonSword1994
Summary: The unthinkable has happened: Joker is without his hat! With a ship full of suspects and no leads, what's a snarky pilot to do? Will he ever find his precious hat again, and at what cost? Bioware owns all, I'm just borrowing their toys. Rated T for brief language and mild adult themes. Read and review!


**A/N: This story was inspired by a conversation with fellow author SparklyQuarians about what romance scenes might have been had Joker been available to be with. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did writing it! Thanks for the idea, Sparky!**

* * *

Joker sat back in his chair, bringing up the console and checking the diagnostics, he could see there were some repairs to the kinetic barriers that needed to be made before leaving port but nothing else seemed too pressing, just the normal tune ups and upgrades. He activated his omni-tool and set about making an itemized list for the repair crew that would be coming through in a matter of hours. The idea of turning over his baby to the mechanics did not sit well with him, he had never enjoyed having other people crawling around in his ship, it felt as if they were invading his privacy somehow. He went to scratch his head, forgetting momentarily that his hat was blocking his hand, and he quickly removed it placing his trademark on the console to his left, then he went back to work unaware that someone had been watching him the entire time.

"Hey, Joker," called Garrus a few minutes later, "Rupert's made some baked goods down in the mess."

"Good for him," replied Joker over his shoulder, "Bring me back some brownies."

"I don't have the foggiest clue as to what those are," shouted Garrus, "Why don't you come and get some yourself? It's nearly time for the mechanics to get here anyway, and you could use the break."

Joker grumbled, he did not want to be reminded that he was about to turn over this ship to a pack of strangers but the promise of brownies and his growling stomach made him reconsider his stance on not going with Garrus down to the mess. Stretching before standing, he carefully slid himself out of his seat making sure not to bump anything that might break a bone, and he made the walk to the CIC where Garrus was waiting beside the galaxy map.

"Glad to see you've decided to get your food on your own," said Garrus as they walked over to the elevator, "I might've gotten you a dextro baked good by mistake and I don't think we need to see the result of that."

Joker eyed him suspiciously, "Why do I have the feeling that wouldn't have been a mistake if you had gotten me a dextro brownie."

"Joker, I'm insulted," said Garrus in mock anger, "Why would I, your best friend, try to make you sick? The very idea is terrible."

"Garrus," said Joker as they entered the elevator, a smug grin on his face, "You're a terrible actor."

"Look who's talking," countered Garrus, giving him the Turian equivalent to a smirk as they elevator doors closed, taking them to the mess hall. Little did the men know, a predator had slipped into the cockpit, its prey in sight as it approached the console a long shadow looming over the forgotten hat.

* * *

"Wow!" exclaimed Garrus as he and Joker came back to the CIC after having stayed in the mess while Rupert made more sweets, "I didn't know there were so many ways to use dextro chocolate! How have I gone my entire life not knowing this?"

Joker laughed, "You've lived a sheltered life indeed, my friend, a very sheltered life."

"No shit," snorted Garrus as he scarfed down another dextro chocolate chip cookie, "Damn, I love these things, such sweet little crumbly cakes. What did you call them again?"

"Chocolate chip cookies," replied Joker his arms carrying a large platter of frosted brownies, "Are you seriously telling me you have never had a cookie before?"

"I have before, but never like these," said Garrus, his voice purred with affection, "These are incredible, think I can convince Rupert to make more?"

Joker shrugged, "I don't see why not, as long as we keep him well supplied."

"I'll speak to Shepard about that," said Garrus, his tone becoming serious, "I don't think I can go without these on a regular basis."

"You love those cookies more than Tali," teased Joker, watching the Turian's mandibles flexing in what seemed like embarrassment.

"I do not," protested Garrus as they continued walking to the cockpit, "I love them both equally."

Joker snorted, wanting to tease him further, "Sure, you do, and when was the last time you spoke to Tali with the same affection you just used on that cookie you ate ten seconds later?"

"I speak to her like that often, just not around you," said Garrus, a slight edge to his voice, "besides, you talk to your hat in the same way, you even sing to it when you think no one's listening."

"I do not!" exclaimed Joker, "I sing to the _Normandy_, it helps her fly better."

"And the song 'Me and My Hat' is just something I made up, right?" asked Garrus as they entered the cockpit, "By the way, where is your second love?"

Joker rolled his eyes, going to tap his head to show his cap was still on his head but he made direct contact with the top of his skull, surprising himself, "I had it on when I was doing checks and then I put it on the console."

He turned his eyes to the console, his eyes going wide, fear running down his spine. In an instant he was searching all around his chair and under the consoles, forgetting that Garrus was standing behind him.

"Is there something wrong, Joker?" asked Garrus, looking at Joker as he scrambled around the cockpit looking under every lid and checking behind anything with a gap between it and the wall.

"I can't find my hat," said Joker, panic creeping into his voice, he spun around to face Garrus his eyes narrowing as he spoke, "Did you take it?"

Garrus simply rolled his eyes, "Joker, I was in the mess with you the entire time, plus when I came to get you, I was in the CIC while you were in the cockpit."

Joker sighed heavily, his eyes still scanning the room for anyplace he had left to search, "Well who could've taken it? Do you think Kasumi did? Maybe Grunt as a sort of joke?"

"Maybe you should ask them that yourself," said Garrus, readying himself to leave the cockpit, "If you need me, I'll be down calibrating, let me know if you find your hat."

Joker nodded, not hearing half of what he had said, instead he was focused on locating his missing hat. He did another thorough search of the cockpit, checking even the underneath of his seat just to make sure he had indeed searched everywhere in the room before heading off to interrogate the crew. When he stood up, he was almost beyond angry, this joke was no longer funny he needed his hat and there would be hell to pay for whomever stole it from him.

* * *

Kasumi was the first person on his list, being a master thief not to mention having the ability to go invisible, she seemed the most likely suspect. Joker walked to her room, thinking of several questions that might crack her into admitting she had taken his hat, when he arrived he was careful not to intrude and knocked on the door.

"Come in," he heard Kasumi say through the door and he went through. When he was inside he was taken aback by how tranquil and beautiful the room was, there were pieces of art on almost every wall, books stuffed in the bookcases, and potted plants in several places. He had heard from Shepard that most of the artwork in her room she had stolen during her years as an active thief.

"Hi, Joker," said Kasumi brightly from her spot on the couch, she placed the book she had been reading on the sofa cushion beside her, "To what do I owe this visit?"

"My missing hat," said Joker, crossing his arms, attempting to look intimidating.

He watched as her head moved up, he could tell she was looking at the top of his head, "That thing actually comes off of your head? I thought it was some kind of growth, I mean, you've never been without it."

"I know," grumbled Joker, "Did you take it?"

"Sorry, Joker, it wasn't me," laughed Kasumi, "I wish it had been me, but sadly I'm not the mastermind behind this crime."

"Do you know who might be?" asked Joker.

"Hmm, it could've been Grunt, perhaps Mordin took it as a means of getting DNA," suggested Kasumi, "I'd start there if I were you. Let me know when you find it."

"Will do," sighed Joker as he turned towards the door, "Thanks for the help, Kasumi."

"Anytime, Joker," called Kasumi as the door shut behind him.

Joker got back into the elevator and decided to go and ask Grunt next, hoping that he did not get insulted and headbutt him. When he got off of the elevator he almost bumped into Jack who seemed to be getting ready to go upstairs.

"Hey, Jack," said Joker catching himself before he fell backwards, "What's the hurry?"

"I'm fucking hungry, so I'm going to the mess," replied Jack as she took his place in the elevator, "What about you?"

"Looking for my hat," sighed Joker, "You didn't take it did you?"

"What use could I possibly have with a grungy, smelly, hat that hasn't been off the top of your head in weeks?" asked Jack, her arms crossed.

"A simple no would have been sufficient," snorted Joker, sticking his tongue out at her when she flipped him off right before the doors to the elevator closed. He shrugged his shoulders and went on with his mission to ask Grunt about the whereabouts of his hat, hoping Grunt had gotten his fill of headbutting for the afternoon. Joker approached the door nervously, knocking on it a few times and waited for a reply, he heard Grunt snarl a few seconds later and he took that as his cue to enter. When he entered he looked over and saw the Krogan hunched over his assault rifle, apparently cleaning it for the millionth time that day, not seeming overly happy with the pilot's presence in his private domain.

"Hey Grunt," said Joker cheerfully, trying not to antagonize the Krogan.

"Joker," snarled Grunt, his usual tone of greeting, "What do you want?"

"Oh, nothing, I just had a quick question for you," said Joker, shrugging his shoulders.

"You and Shepard both," growled Grunt, still unhappy with being interrupted from cleaning his weapon, "What's the question?"

"Do you know where my hat's at?" asked Joker, inching himself closer to the door.

"Nope," replied Grunt simply, and he turned his attention back to his gun, Joker deciding now was the time to leave.

* * *

Joker was at a loss, he had asked nearly everyone on the ship he could think to ask about his missing hat and he was still no where near closer to locating his precious trademark. Mordin had told him no and to go ask Miranda, Miranda had said no and to go ask Zaeed, Zaeed told him to ask Tali, Tali said to ask Jacob, Jacob said Ken might know and Ken had said he was better off without his hat. When he got back to the CIC his legs were practically screaming out in agony from being walked on for a solid hour so he made his way over to his chair in the cockpit, hoping for some relief from his aching legs. Upon entering the cockpit, his chair swiveled around to face him, with a very unlikely person sitting in his usual spot, sporting a very familiar looking cap.

"Shepard!" exclaimed Joker, shocked and surprised that she had been the one who took his hat, "You stole my hat!?"

Shepard smiled from underneath the brim, her eyes gleaming with mischief, "It would appear that way, wouldn't it?"

Joker crossed his arms, very unamused, he could tell she wanted to tease him but he was not in the mood, "Give it back, Shepard."

She took the cap off of her head and spun it around on her finger, intentionally ignoring his request and not looking directly at him, "What'll you give me for it?"

"What?" asked Joker, puzzled by her words.

"How much is this hat worth to you?" asked Shepard, "I mean, you went to a lot of trouble to try and find it, it must be worth a great deal to you."

"You can have anything you want," said Joker hurriedly, "Just please, give me back my hat, Shepard."

Shepard stopped spinning the hat and turned back to him, "Anything I want, huh? What if I asked for your chair, could I have that?"

Joker groaned but nodded, "Yes, you can have it."

She smiled, "On second thought, I don't want your chair, I want your porn collection."

Joker gaped at her, shocked by the request, "Fine, have it."

Again she grinned but decided against the offer, "No, I don't think I want that either, instead I want your job. I want to be the pilot and Commander of the _Normandy_, I'm sure we could find you another job on a different ship."

Joker looked at her as if she had just said to give her his very soul, he swallowed hard before answering, "No, Shepard, I'm sorry but I can't give you that."

Shepard pouted, her full lips accentuated by the act, he wanted to moan at the sight but he resisted the urge and waited for her to speak.

"Let's see, you'll give me your porn collection and your chair but you won't give me your job," said Shepard seriously, putting his cap back on her head, "What will you give me in exchange for your precious hat then?"

Joker thought for a moment, allowing his eyes to take in the scene before him, he could not believe how adorable she looked wearing his hat and he knew exactly what the price for his hat was going to be.

With a sly grin he moved closer to her, "Okay, how about this, my hat for one kiss?"

He watched as a devilish look crossed her eyes, he knew she was going to agree just by the gleam, "Sounds like a reasonable offer, I accept."

Joker smiled as she stood up from his chair and moved closer to him, her eyes never leaving his, she wrapped her arms snuggly around his neck and he placed his hands on her waist. It was only when they were this close did he realize how incredibly nervous he was, he had always had a crush on her from the beginning but never thought for a second that she reciprocated his feelings, and now that she was here in his arms he felt like he was going to wake up from this glorious dream any moment now.

His hesitation must have been more noticeable than he thought when Shepard said softly, "What's wrong, Jeff? Going back on the deal now?"

Instead of answering with words, he leaned down and softly pressed his lips against hers in a tentative kiss, only to feel her kiss him back with a passion he could not have imagined she possessed towards him and he moaned against her lips. Hesitantly he slid his tongue across her bottom lip and she groaned softly, encouraging him further, and he slid his tongue into her mouth. Their tongues started dueling at once, both trying to gain dominance over the other, their grip on each other's forms becoming stronger as the kiss became more and more passionate. They only broke the seal when they came back up for some air, both breathing heavily, neither one letting go of the other instead just basking the passion of their first kiss.

"I believe this is yours," panted Shepard, taking the hat and putting it back on his head.

Joker laughed, and put the hat back on her head, "I think I can let you wear it for a little longer, it looks better on you anyway."

"Thanks, Jeff," said Shepard and they shared a quick but deep kiss.

"Looks like your plan worked, Shepard!" called Jack and Joker looked up to see the entire crew crowded in the CIC trying to get a look at what was going on in the cockpit. Joker looked down at Shepard who had a huge smile on her face and blush creeping into her cheeks.

"I couldn't resist," said Shepard sheepishly, "I had to get your attention somehow."

Joker laughed, he was not angry by any means just slightly embarrassed that their first kiss had taken place in full view of the entire crew but he could look past that, "Babe, you had my attention from day one."

Shepard beamed, "Really? And to think I went through all of this trouble."

"I'm glad you did," whispered Joker, taking her hand in his, "but I'm totally getting you back for this later."

"Is that a promise, Flight Lieutenant?" asked Shepard, a smirk forming on her lips.

"Nope, that's a guarantee," said Joker and he pulled her in for another passionate kiss, not even caring that the crew was still watching them.


End file.
